Navigating Relationships with Authenticity: Five Steps to Maintain Your True Self

rarely write about the theme of romantic relationships. The thing is, they reveal much about ourselves. Yet, they are complex and can lead to emotions from joy to anger. 

What if there was a key? A law of authenticity? And if it existed, how would it be put into practice to stay true to oneself in all circumstances?

The Law of Authenticity

There is only one person you cannot deceive. Yourself.

Yet, what wouldn't we do to keep a relationship, to avoid hurting... or to keep our job? The relationship that matters most is the relationship with oneself! Because the best gift you can give someone is yourself!

"Recognizing, accepting, and expressing our authentic inner reality is at the heart of honesty; only when we are honest with ourselves can we speak or act honestly with someone else. In the sense of integrity, honesty involves acting in accordance with higher laws despite contrary, negative impulses." – Dan Millman.

Being Authentic in Relationships

Here are 5 ideas to stay authentic in the relationships that matter.

• Accept reality as it is, not as you wish it to be.
• Know and express your core values.
• Maintain dignity in difficult times.
• Take responsibility for your feelings and actions.
• Open your heart to life's experiences, both good and bad.

Accept Reality

Charlotte and Lucas's relationship, marked by love and breakups, illustrates the pain and growth that comes from accepting reality. This is especially true when Lucas ends the relationship, challenging Charlotte to face her emotions and expectations.

The man who announces a breakup should behave like a knight. He should do this correctly, apologize for causing pain, thank the other for who they are, and honor the other and what they have shared until the breakup, which should be commensurate with their love. He should refuse mediocrity and avoid guilt-tripping the other by saying, "You'll be happier without me," to shirk responsibility. He should have thoroughly studied the situation before announcing a breakup, especially if he might plan to attempt a comeback after realizing his mistake.

You could be Charlotte, to whom this happens. Or Lucas, who seemingly acts with little pride.

He should, but he doesn't. Whether we like it or not, that's the reality. He doesn't. 

We often feel trapped when things don't go as planned. But there is a path to liberation from struggle and frustration.

Why do we struggle to accept the reality that constantly deviates from our expectations? Buddhism would tell us: "Eliminate desire. Have no expectations." But we remain human beings with our egos, desires, and attachments. Breakup means loss. At the end of Kubler Ross's grief curve, the gift is born from accepting the loss. What gift? A life more in line with one's values? A more embraced and fulfilled solitude? Healing from a wound of abandonment or rejection? Each personal story has its gift.

If the key is acceptance, what does it involve? Having no desire? I propose an alternative. Acceptance is about stopping the fight against what is, against this reality that differs from our projections, dreams, and hopes. We often hear that it takes time to recover from a shock, a bereavement, a separation. What if time helped us get used to reality?

It's only when we accept and break free from the blackmail of our ego that we can respond authentically and stay true to ourselves.

Know Your Values and Express Them

Only when we can rid ourselves of our attachments can we know our deep values. Living a fulfilling romantic relationship is essential for most of us. If I am in love but suffering, am I fulfilled? If my relationship prevents me from realizing my dreams, am I not a bit of a prisoner?

What would you choose if you had to choose between love and your personal fulfillment? I'm not saying you have to choose. Most of the time, the two are compatible. But it is essential to know your priorities in cases where you have to make a decision. For Charlotte, the choice now is to stay true to herself or succumb to attachment. What causes pain is the lack. And lack comes from attachment. If I am attached, I cannot really be myself. Knowing my deep values helps me define my identity and set boundaries.

Although in love and torn by Lucas's announcement on the phone, Charlotte chooses to be faithful to her values and not cheat on herself. This principle can be applied in all areas of life. At work, it may be a matter of choosing between accepting a promotion you don't want or refusing it and moving towards a job that meets your aspirations. When we don't act according to our deep values, we regret it later. Do you want the rest of the story? Lucas tries to return to Charlotte, who rejects Lucas's advances (which are a bit timid, by the way). And Lucas admires her all the more for her courage and integrity.

No one says the story has to end like this. There might have been other options. But the principle remains the same. There is only one person you cannot deceive. It's yourself. Charlotte had the conviction that she was lying to herself if she accepted Lucas's proposition.

Stay Dignified

A breakup can knock you down. Like a layoff. Or the loss of a loved one. Or the fire in your house.

When we experience things as drama, it's because there is attachment. If we compensate for the need to fill this attachment with something else, or if we push away the source of the attachment, we cannot heal; we are not free.

Charlotte is angry, sad, and suffers. She feels abandoned. As long as Lucas is there, her attachment is soothed. When he announces the breakup, it's a drama. The drama is created by the story Charlotte maintains. It might be, "He's the one; he's the man of my life." If your partner leaves your life, is he really "the one"? If, instead of staying dignified, you sink into depression, maintain a negative discourse about the event, and try to compensate with something else: drink, food, or work, you are on the wrong track. You are lying to yourself.

Remember, you are the best gift you can offer to the world and to others. Sadness is there. Be present to it. Don't try to escape it. Emotion is an energy. If you focus your attention on this energy, it will naturally transform.

Michael Bernard Beckwith is a world-renowned spirituality teacher, an award-winning author, and the founder of the International Spiritual Center Agape. He talks about sadness as a companion that walks a part of the way with us. By paying attention to and observing it, the sadness will dissipate or transform sooner or later.

Staying dignified means facing the pain, not letting it overcome you, not fighting, allowing it accompany you, the time it distills its lessons. It's also about assuming oneself in one's values, not bartering them, knowing one's limits, and respecting oneself.

When Charlotte learns the news, if she reacts emotionally, Lucas wins (and the relationship loses) because Charlotte appears as Lucas declares she is (explicitly or implicitly). This is what happens when you get angry when someone says, "Don't get so angry!" What to say? That you feel devastated? Broken? Lost? Disoriented? You cannot fool anyone, especially not yourself if you are transparent about your feelings. Your feelings are authentic.

In any case, you are responsible for your feelings. So, avoid blaming, criticizing, or guilt-tripping. Stay dignified. You won't stand taller if you try to bring the other person down.

This is the only way to stay true to yourself and avoid the trap set for our ego, which, when wounded, feels an urge to react, defend itself, teach a lesson, or be right.

Stay conscious. Stay alert and lucid. The trap of the ego is set as soon as you feel yourself triggered and reacting. Think about the risk of being taken for someone you wouldn't want to be: rude, vindictive, guilt-inducing, manipulative, angry, judgmental... and so on. You don't need better circumstances to show your best self.

Take Responsibility

It's not the other person setting this trap for you; they are caught in the relational game. There are no mistakes, no accidental detours, just learning.

Stay tuned to your own internal dialogue, and be on the lookout for ego reactions. Be particularly attentive to the dialogue you hold with yourself. Beliefs may appear, with the effect of triggering an ego reaction:

• I have no hope: "Without him/her, life has no meaning," "I've lost the love of my life."
• I am powerless: "There's nothing to do; I can't face this difficulty; it's too much for me."
• I am worthless: "If he/she leaves me, who am I? Not much!"

Ego lies! And these lies are likely to magnify your feelings and prevent you from going there with an open and generous heart.

Taking responsibility entails comprehensively examining your own patterns, wounds, and beliefs. Through this examination, you trigger unwanted reactions in others by identifying how you do so. Charlotte can uncover her own defense mechanisms by undertaking this process. By assuming responsibility, she can make a conscious decision, detach herself from her attachments, and transform the nature of the relationship.

Taking responsibility for our emotions and reactions is vital to opening our hearts. It involves recognizing our patterns and facing our fears and attachments, which allows for genuine connections and healing.

Open Your Heart

We are afraid. Afraid of hurting, confronting, being criticized, being diminished in the eyes of the other, fearful of losing our bearings. We falsify our response. We try to please, to be strong, to be perfect, or our words may exceed our thoughts under anger. The most authentic response is the one that is deeply rooted in life and in a generous heart. The one that does not deny yourself and does not deny life. The man or woman with an authentic heart can be hurt, of course, but he/she distinguishes between ego injury and heart injury. What wounds the heart is the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, of a love. What wounds the ego is the feeling of abandonment and lack of respect. The ego refuses to be hurt and tries to avoid it in vain. Your authentic self fully accepts suffering and, by going through it, dissipates it.

There is a heart injury when the wound goes beyond our own person, when something universal or eternal is touched, such as beauty, love, friendship, sincerity, or harmony. Do not be your spontaneous reaction or the mirror of what the other wants to create in you (consciously or not). Take your time. In these moments, there is no emergency.

Be yourself. Let your heart speak. Remember that you will find yourself in the silence, in the space between your thoughts. Open your heart. Dispel the clouds of an attached and dependent state of mind and turn to what is beautiful and alive. Continue to love beyond the breakup. Hating will not help you. Also, heal your wound. Be honest with your emotional state. Release the emotion. Cry or scream. Let go. You will feel lighter. And take care of yourself. What would be deeply good for your body, heart, and spirit?

Charlotte eventually opened up communication, and she showed vulnerability. Together, they decided to commit to love and mutual support in the face of each other's defense mechanisms. They have decided to let go of the past patterns.

Each relationship and breakup is a journey of self-discovery and growth. What we learn about ourselves through these experiences is invaluable. Share your story and learn from others as we navigate the complexities of love and life.

Thanks to Santiago Lacarta for the photo.